Published August 24, 2010
From light I looked upon the world
Lost in darkness
The countless voids of empty human souls
Calling, pleading
Rescue us
Someone must step forward
As the stars rain down from heaven
On this darkest hour
So this light will shatter all the world has known
Born of eternity
Now imprisoned in these mortal walls
Destiny has marked me
Heaven's warrior
Fate's child
Standing on the brink of time
Bleeding with the blood of nations
The veil is torn
Rebirth
Resurgence
Day is breaking
The universe awakening
Even as I fade
My last breath
I breathe for you
Even as I lived
I die for you
Life for death
Though I fall
I will rise again
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141,298 Literary Works • 674,337 Reviews
I loved the last stanza, this poem was very good, but the last stanza was probably the best part.
I didn't really like this poem all that much. I think you are trying to tell the cliche story of a person who lives in a "bad" world and just so happens to be chosen for some random reason to save it. I see no lyrical patters, hear no rhymes, and feel no rhythm in this piece. At the very least you can say you got your point through, which is always good. I do't really know what to suggest. This is obviously not my preference type of poem, and I'm not saying you're wrong (it takes skill to be "wrong" at poetry), just, I'm not really feeling anything poem-y about this piece. Yes, I feel the abstract ideas coming together to build a story, but that's like building a giant brick with Legos when you could be building a spaceship.
Now, after reading a few times though, i finally feel a connection with your piece, but it feels really forced. When I read a poem, I first look for pattern to ground me to your thoughts and feelings, but I really found none. Maybe that's why it took me a few reads to fully understand what you are conveying. And, by George, I think I just found my suggestion. Good day, and keep writing!